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Jo Parfitt in conversation with Kristin Louise Duncombe

29/8/2017

I met Kristin Louise Duncombe at the Families in Global Transition Conference (#FIGT17NL) in The Hague last March. We met, of course, in the bookshop. I immediately decided to buy her book and since then have become a big fan of this American psychotherapist, expat, writer and mother who tells it how it is, warts and all. Kristin, who is now based in Switzerland, uses real names, writes about tough stuff like anxiety and depression, stuff that will resonate with the reader. I have now read both her books and was compelled to dig a little deeper and find out how she manages to be quite so brave.

Jo:
I have now read both your memoirs - Trailing: a Memoir and Five Flights Up. I thoroughly enjoyed them both despite the fact that I read them in reverse order. Firstly, congratulations. You are a terrific writer, and for someone who is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker by profession I am impressed that your writing was so accomplished. What gave you the confidence to believe you could actually write a full length memoir?

Kristin:
Thank you! Having the confidence to write a full-length memoir was never a question... and by that I don't mean that I was just brimming over with confidence and self-certainty! No, I doubted myself and agonized that I sounded idiotic and boring all along the way. So it wasn't confidence that moved me forward, it was need. I needed to write that first book. I had to get that story off my chest, to make sense of it and to make use of it. I had been telling the story in my head for many years, and the thing that prompted the transfer from head to paper was when I was diagnosed with a stage 2 melanoma at age 36. Although it was caught early, I was completely terrified that it had not been caught early enough, and that I would not live to see my kids grow up (they were aged 1 and 7 at the time). All of that angst was then poured into the other thing that I became terrifed of: not living long enough to write 'that book' that I had been thinking about writing for years. Nothing like a brush with mortality to get priorities and motivation straight.

Jo:
Many of my mentees and clients worry about whether their stories are worth reading. What made you believe your story needed to be told?

Kristin:
That's a tough question, as I never once questioned whether it 'needed' to be told. That said, I have always been aware, even while writing, that some people might say that my stories don't need to be told. In a way, it's the reader who decides. So the question I actually want to address is what made me WANT to tell the stories that I have told? The answer is that the events and relationships I recount in my books really impacted me, and made me think deeply about my life, and I believe in the universal interest of those matters. I love hearing about other people's impacting life events and relationships, so why wouldn't they want to hear about mine?!?!

Jo:
What was your writing process? One hour a day for three months? All day every day? How did you write?

Kristin:
With Trailing I wrote whenever I could: in between clients, after the kids were in bed, all weekend long... really any chance I could get. It was a passionate and totally unruly process. With Five Flights Up it was a little different, because I knew more about writing a book the second time around, and was also older and more tired (no more staying up into the night to write!) So I wrote less, but more intentionally. I wrote with the story I wanted to tell in mind, whereas with Trailing I wrote and I wrote and the story that was finally published emerged.

Jo:
When and how did you get feedback along the way and maintain your motivation?

Kristin:
Certain trusted friends and family, good books and internal storytelling alter ego. When I have a book in me I cannot NOT write it. I am writing a book in my head right now... and the biggest frustration currently is not having the time to write. It will come... and the motivation will remain until I've got it down!

Jo:
You are a therapist. You credit your narrative therapist in the books. At what point did you write the books for your own therapy and at what point did you know that you were writing for an unknown reader?

Kristin:
Narrative therapy is an actual therapy form, but the narrative therapist I credit in Trailing was not an actual therapist. John Baxter was the editor I worked with after I finished the first 'final' draft of Trailing. We developed a close friendship, in much the same way that I forge close 'friendships' with my therapy clients. I found the process of working with an editor very much like working with a therapist, which of course led to many reflections on my work as a therapist.

The Editing of Life: How Writing Has Made me a Better Therapist

Jo:
You are a phenomenally brave writer. You bare your soul and tell us about your anxiety, depression, panics, marriage difficulties, struggles with identity and so on. What gave you the courage to do this? How did you you write the tough stuff? As stream of consciousness? Painstakingly slowly? How?

Kristin:
Many people have asked me this question, and I like to say (only half jokingly) I'm not that brave – you should see what DIDN'T make it into the books! Seriously, though, I hate small talk and sugarcoating... I like to just get straight to the heart of the matter, even if it is painful or embarrassing. I know that however soul-baring my words are, other people will relate because nothing I have written about is unique to me. It's just universal human stuff. I feel free and even safe by just putting it out there – like there is nothing that I need to fear being outed about, as I have just gone ahead and admitted it all!

Jo:
Like Laura Stephens’ An Inconvenient Posting, you too are a psychotherapist writing of your struggles. Stephens too is courageous and honest. What books did you read that led you to believe your story deserved to be told?

Kristin:
Although I read some fiction and a little self-help, most of what I read is memoir. I find nothing more pleasurable than sprawling out with a good memoir – and good memoir, to me, is when the writer tells a painful story with soul baring honesty. My absolute favorite memoirist is Mary Karr, but there is also Lucy Greely, Ann Patchett, Joyce Carol Oates, Roger Rosenblatt, Daren Strauss, Dani Shapiro... the list goes on and on! One of the bravest – perhaps the bravest? – memoirs that I have ever read, and it is so beautifully written, as well, is VOW: A Memoir of Marriage and Other Affairs, by Wendy Plump. A fabulous, amazing read!

Jo:
Did you have an ideal reader in mind? If so, please describe that reader.

Kristin:
The only thing that I would hope for in a reader is openness of heart and spirit. Some readers (i.e. fellow humans) can be very judgmental and get threatened or triggered by a story that deviates from what they think is correct. Most writers, and certainly of memoir, can relate to how terrible it feels when a bitter reader writes a character-slamming review... that's the type of reader I hope to avoid, but alas... not always possible.

Jo:
As a psychotherapist, in other words, an expert in the subject matter covered in the book, it is clear that you have written with both your professional and spousal heads on. I think that is why it is such a useful, terrific, compelling read. Would you agree? What have other readers said?

Kristin:
Thank you! I really appreciate that acknowledgment, as it is true that I don't think I am capable of removing the clinical lens from the storytelling lens and the being-alive-and-engaged-in-this-world lens. I see the world through all of those lenses, and so they are constantly transposed on each other.

Jo:
In your personal life, how much has writing the books helped you in your own self-actualisation?
Kristin:

100%. Writing helps strip away existential despair. That must sound very dramatic. But it is true... whenever I veer into the fear of death/ lovelessness/ loneliness etc, it is the thought and/ or the process of storytelling that helps me feel less afraid. There is a way to make sense of it, a way to give meaning to the pain, and something to look forward to: a story completed.

Jo:
You name your husband and children clearly in the book. Your husband is not always seen in a favourable light. How did you reconcile yourself with making no attempt to disguise their identities and why did you do this? I know many other characters are amalgams of real people and some stories have been combined, which incidentally, I think is a terrific way to write. Did you ask everyone you wrote about for permission?

Kristin:
Actually, I didn't explicitly ask permission of everyone... and the people that I either couldn't ask or I knew they would say no, were definitely disguised or turned into a composite. As for my intimates, such as my husband... he knew what I was writing, and I even refer to his initial reaction to Trailing in Five Flights Up (he reads the manuscript of Trailing for the first time and changes the title to My Husband is a Jerk). He knew what I was writing and he never asked me to not write or publish. I know he is proud of my work. If he does not always come off as favorable, I tried (and I hope I succeeded) to make myself sound just as, if not more, unfavorable. I was a real brat in certain chapters of my life: insecure, immature, unevolved... when I absolutely felt the need to write about what Tano did 'wrong,' I tried to counterbalance that analysis by describing the incredibly maladaptive ways I handled whatever situation we were grappling with.

Jo:
How did you find a publisher? Please tell us about the process.

Kristin:
I had agents for both books, who got the manuscripts to the desks of some of the big name publishing houses, all of whom 'passed' because they said the stories within were not 'universal' enough for a broad market. I did not waste time crying about that, as I knew they were wrong about the universality of the stories, and I also knew that I could launch the books myself as an independent. That is the best decision I ever made as a writer. Both books sell well and have received mostly positive reviews (there are always the haters who are gonna hate, not to quote Taylor Swift! But I just "shake it off..." what else to do?)

Jo:
Do you now consider yourself a writer or a psychotherapist or both?

Kristin:
Both. These are 'absolute' identity points. I am Therapist. Writer. Mother. Woman! At least four things I consider myself to be, absolutely.

Jo:
How can people find out more about you?

Kristin:
Like anything these days: google me. I do quite a bit of public speaking so if you enter my name, something is bound to come up, not least of which my website:

kristinduncombe.com

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An exciting opportunity for budding expat writers

25/8/2017

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Jo Parfitt has an announcement to make...

For many I have attended the Families in Global Transition Conference (FIGT). First in Indianapolis, then in Houston, then in Washington, DC and now in The Hague. Next March not only will the conference take place in The Hague (#FIGT18NL) but it will be FIGT’s 20th anniversary. As if that is not exciting enough, four years ago I decided it was time I started giving back. I’ve been lucky with my writing career. Not only was I published in my early twenties by the first publisher I approached but I went on, fairly easily, to get published 12 more times and then craft myself a fully portable career as an author, publisher, journalist and speaker covering important expat issues.

I decided to start a program that would help FIGT with its marketing while giving new expat writers a lucky break that would give their portable careers a leg up.

March 2018 will not only be the 20th anniversary of FIGT but it will also be the 20th anniversary of my first meeting with Robin Pascoe. Robin is Canadian, had a brilliant career as an expat journalist and author, like me, and was equally passionate about FIGT and giving back.

And so, in 2014 the Parfitt Pascoe Writers Residency (PPWR) was born. Robin was not directly involved at that time, but there was no way the program could not contain her name. Each year I have trained four writers to cover the conference and then struggled to fund the publication of a book of their work.

Now, it’s 20 years.

And so to celebrate, Robin has decided to come on board to help with funding but work in a behind the scenes way (that’s because she’s really busy these days in charge of global PR for Maple Bear Global Schools. Nevertheless we have made an important decision and taken a massive step forward for the PPWR.

This year, we are funding FULL registration for SIX rather than FOUR new writers, adding in extra training for the successful applicants and taking on responsibility for publishing the books.

Why?

Because we care hugely about two things:

The tough side of transition, particularly for today’s dislocated and displaced migrants.
Helping new writers to write about stuff that matters, including their own experiences of global transition.

So, that’s what we are doing. We are excited. We are going to help new writers to get out of their comfort zones and write about the stuff ‘they don’t know’ but the world should know about: refugees, the homeless, the bereaved, the lost, the lonely. We are going to help writers get started on successful, productive, portable careers as writers.

If you think the PPWR might be for you, then visit FIGT to find out more and get your application in before the closing date of 1st October 2017.

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